chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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