Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
