Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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