omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
God I need to hump something, right now.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
