Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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