I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
