new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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