i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Randomize
