My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
