I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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