it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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