If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
