Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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