I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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