I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
