According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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