Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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