Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
