I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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