overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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