if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
