Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
