My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
