I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
