The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
