I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
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