need another drink. this is the easiest way
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
