Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
