who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
