We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
