the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
