Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
