How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Someone signed my nipple.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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