Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
