I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
