WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
