am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
