My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
