In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
