He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Dear god my vagina.
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