I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
