Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
