Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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