paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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