so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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