he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
