I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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