you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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