When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Someone came in the potted fern
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
