Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
